What Did My Dog Eat ?

   There are many many instances in my life wherein the line between pride and shame is so thin as to be non-existent.  This used to concern me.  Not so much anymore.  I am finding that the more you accept about yourself, the better you sleep at night.  I don't know whether to be ashamed or proud of that. (see ?)

    The cereal aisle at the grocery store is one example of the part of the shame/pride continuum that I think makes other countries hate us and want to blow us off the planet.

Armageddon is just around the corner - and yet we have no less than 165 different cereals to choose from.  It's just wrong.  Or is it ?

   Television continually jumps back and forth over the shame/pride line.  Every day I am amazed at what is televised.  The part that concerns me the most is that this weird shit is only televised because....someone will watch it.  From TimberSports (a fave), crisis-oriented dessert-making, a swamp family catchin' gators, people with unholy amounts of children (ho hum), an ancient drunken babe running a biker bar in Texas, to young British tarts going to finishing school (Ladettes to Ladies - don't miss it)  Literally something for everyone.  And it just keeps getting worse/better.

    There is a new show on TV called "What Did My Dog Eat ?"  My new favorite.  As luck would have it, we stumbled upon a WDMDE marathon the other night.  Television at its finest.  And what you see (aka what they eat) is what you get.  Some of the delicious combinations included : muscle relaxants and tampons; rat poison, a slipper and a tennis ball; cereal box, a thong and a book, a 12 foot leash, and (my all-time favorite) $800 cash.

   This last one had a real cliff-hanger feel to it : "When my chocolate lab began throwing up $20 bills, I knew something was wrong."   Wow.   I would hope that the missing $800 might have emerged as an early concern.  But then, what to do first ?  Induce vomiting until the bastard yaks up all 40 of them bills ?  Hope against hope that you won't be digging through dog shit for cash ?  Kill him and cut him open on the spot ?   Call 911 ?

   All of these hungry dogs get taken to the vet, who immediately orders a DOG scan (CAT scan pun sort of intended...sorry).  We see the items in question in the dog's gut.  There is probing, worrying, disbelief - and the inevitable doggie surgery.  (We even got to see the vet pull out, like, a 9 foot furry stiffed toy.  Who eats that ?).  Then, post-op - it is an extra bonus if Fido gets wheeled out wearing the Cone of Shame.  (Is there a dog who wears one without looking humiliated ?  They know they look a fool...)

   No dog lover I (unless he's eating some awesome weird shit) - I then pontificate on and on about the sheer expense of such a venture.  And these people seem willing to pay any exorbitant amount to get the tampons and twenties (I liked their first album) out of their damned dog. 

     I'd be more likely to say "Now look what you've done, you silly ass ! 

           Hope them 27 pacifiers (fact !) feel as good coming out as they did going in."    Sit.  Stay.