America's Passed Time

Is it apple pie ?  Or Chevrolet ?  I always get confused.  There seems to be a bit of the baseball around as of late, and I have had a (poor man's) ringside  seat (or is that in boxing ?).       My little black and white 14 inch with the rabbit ears has been tuned to the local channel where "my" team is a big deal.  I have enjoyed watching them with the professional sports savvy and keen eye of the expert.  I wonder about baseball's infancy : what was Abner Doubleday thinking ?  Okay, here's some piles of cloth bundling that we scatter around this open field and then here's a stick and a much smaller ball.  One guy throws it, one chap hits with the actual stick , this guy runs and slides, this other fellow catches it.  What about the fatter men with big Hannibal Lecter masks and dark suits ?  There is major squatting and an inordinate amount of spitting (really - who has that much saliva, especially in the days of eschewing actual mouth cancer and swapping the Copenhagen for a wad of Bazooka... ).     Unbeknownst to even me, the radio broadcast of my local team seems to be a very distinct and ingrained part of my upbringing.  Even 40 years later, I swear it actually sounds like the very same announcer.  He must be, like, 112 years old.  I have realized that the sound of the Giants on the radio is a bit soothing to me, almost hypnotic.  My sister, Aunt, does not recall it the same way, which adds to our theory that everything and nothing are happening at the same  time.  Once served up, slices of childhood are so different for each...child.        I have terms running through my head, with the sound of the crowd in the background : high and inside, he was caught looking,  runs/hits/errors, benches cleared (new, an instant favorite), the one-two pitch, full count, it's a pitcher's game, the go-ahead run is on first, RBI,  check swing (a fave), slider, tying run on second,  the change-up pitch, 3 up/3 down, swing and a miss, he's outta there.  Don't get me started on groin pulls (does that ever happen to women ?)  And "bye bye baby", the ultimate old Giants call.  I also very much enjoy "the bags are loaded" ' (rich old ladies always come to mind, like Missus Howell on Gilligan's Island).  I tend to say that the bags are loaded even when there are "no men on".  I love any mention of the bags.     Baseball has been very very good to me.  Actually, that's a lie, but I like to say it in a vaguely Dominican accent.  Baseball is not like any other sport : the spitting (come on, already with that noise), the chewing (that old bitch of a Phillies coach chewed his gum so much and so cow-like , it damn near RUINED the National Anthem for me one night....old bitch...), the testicular adjustments (and constant re-adjustments - the ball handling is over the top), the tugging of the shirt sleeves at bat, the appearance of their butts (some are quite nice, most look pudgy and lumpy - I think it's the uniforms.)   For Christ's sake, they wear belts - so civilized...debonair.  It's kind of like firefighters-vs-cops - the former are more likely to be handsome and fit.  The latter, more bloated and Republican.  Baseball playahs = cute, football players = kinda gross.  I'm just saying.  Football offers a sometimes tighter butt, but you are left to wonder if they are commando under the skintight slacks... I prefer the mystery of baseball pants.  More women like (love) baseball than any other traditionally "male" sport.  It's the boys.  Football has too much bad press - men zoned out on the couch all Sunday long... piles of grunting fatties laying simultaneously on one ball...unseemly.         Baseball is so much more appealing, somehow.  My 88 year old mother is a Giants fan - is giddy over the Pennant - and is likely gearing up right now for Game One.  Baseball is right.  We get it, we like it, it makes its own kind of sense. It's the boys.  Imagine someone spitting and nut-fondling while in a mad chewing frenzy on, say, a golf course or something.  They'd lock his ass right up !  And with good reason.  We love our Giants.  I assume they love us, too.  Orange and Black : it's not just for Halloween anymore.           "Fear the Beard" Wilson,  Pablo "The Panda" Sandoval  Cody Effing Ross - say what ?   And, a moment of awed silence for our own, kinda freaky but so cute Tim "Fuck Yeah !" Lincecum.... Fuck yeah.