Black Sink Moan (aka Choices) (6/10/10)

Okay, here's the situation.
   I awaken this morning to a bathroom sink with a wee-sized plunger on the rim.  Imagine my horror (as in "horror movie") when I see that the entire sink is lined an inch thick with BLACK SAND.  Yes, BLACK SAND, like on the beaches of Hawaii or something.
    I ask Sparky - "So what's with the BLACK SAND ?"  She doesn't even look up, and says : "I dunno, but the toilet works." (The same mental process she used when, at age 2 or 3, someone had the temerity to ask "Where does Santa live ?".  Her answer : "The North Pole, but I like Spikey better." (her cousin, Spike)  Teachers among you will know how high level this type of thinking is for that age...no one ever dared to ask a Baby Sparky a simple question like "Where's Sparky's nose ?" - she found it ridiculous, even as an infant.
    So, off to The Internets to research and come up with a BLACK SAND Plan that doesn't cost a visit from the christing plumber.  I have to refine my search (much like BLACK SAND beaches themselves) - for I am not interested in a fancy black sink or other sandy references.    Aha !!  Could it be a lifetime of eerily-morphed toothpaste, hair (s), and other sink effluvia ?  I try boiling water (after shoveling out pailsful of the BLACK SAND).  You guessed it : I now have a sink full of boiling water and the remnants of the BLACK SAND.
     Next stop is the Liquid Plumber store - historically cheaper than a human plumber, believe me.  I whap a couple a bottles of the drain hooch down the sink, and shut the door.  Here's hoping it works, as it is apparently time to move on to another issue not involving BLACK SAND.  Whew.... I think.
    You see, it seems as if Sparky is taking an online Trigonometry class this summer (huh ?), and it requires a browser or some noise that we don't have.  We have the "antiquated, Mom.." "Tiger", and need "Snow Leopard".  But : we are not allowed to...skip an animal, so we cannot add Snow Leopard to Tiger without first having "Leopard".  I know, right ?   We head out to the Apple Store after making an appointment at The Genius Bar (second time this week - don't ask, won't tell). We make the usual arrangements : Sparky photographs and unhooks the computer and puts it into a little tote bag.   I swear (as is customary) to not say a word at The Genius Bar, and go so far as to say that I'll pretend I don't speak English while we are in the store.  This is the only way I can get her to go with me to Apple for anything.  (You give birth to them and then they peck your eyes out...)
     We arrive at a bustling Apple Hub, the...core of said Apple being the afore-mentioned Genius Bar.  And I wonder why no one at my house is a Mac Genius  - Sparky is the closest so far.  (So, now I want a doctor, a physical therapist, a salad chef, an archivist, and a Mac Genius on board here in the house.)
  Our name comes up, and Sparky strides to The Bar, Mini-Mac in hand.  I trail behind her, trying to look sheepish and foreign - but mostly I think I skew a bit retarded.  She outlines the issue at hand, and The Genius looks (and acts) as if our computer is so old  (like, 5 years ?) that it is akin to doing math on an abacus or using 2 cans and a length of string for a cell phone.  What. Ever. Genius. Boy.
      We then receive the....BLACK SAND of computer assessments : your machine is so old, can you please just take it away before we call security.  Steve Jobs is on his way right now to laugh at you both. Ours is "the last in a generation" to not have "intel inside" (you just hummed the tune, didn't you.  I did too...at The Bar).  Not only will Snow Leopard not load ever, but don't even ask about Regular Leopard.
  Remembering that animal-skipping is n/a,  where to turn now ?  Shike.  Sparky then wonders aloud about...FIrefox (what the fuck happened to the felines ?)  but it may be a (gak) "Windows" product.
      This is where my English kicks in : "No Windows !!  Ever !  I don't even have windows in my
 house ! We can't see out !"  So, Sunny (no lie) our Genius, starts to surfin' the 'net and finds me  a USED MacPack browser, for, like a million dollars.  (My budget is  minus $100.)   As if.  I then start perspiring and fanning myself, and loudly question him about other animals : "...so, if we end up getting a new computer, how do I know that you're not going to surprise us with a Puma or and Ocelot or a Cheetah or a Black Panther (think Huey Newton - I was) in a few years, and we'll be back to square one ?!"   He informs me : no, Snow Leopard is "it".  I am nonplussed as hell : is he actually guaranteeing me that the buck stops at Snow Leopard ?  Mac - who makes an international incident and raises the alert level past orange for each and every upgrade is now just....stopping ?  Is Sunny high ?  I can't ask, as Sparky is chastising me with her eyes - I have forgotten that I am not supposed to speak English, and now must speak no more.  I guess.
       Feh.  The Choice now being Sparky's class requirements or a working sink.  I'm going for the sink.  Talk about Sophie's Choice... We have a semi-functional kitchen sink.  How did our forebears function when their second sink went out ?  We can so do this.  But I guess I better torch and blast and wash the dirty dishes therein - especially if we are to be spitting toothpaste and whatnot in there.  (What's that they say about a dog's mouth being cleaner than a kitchen sink ?  Or something.  I'd like to know why "dog's mouth" and "clean" even appear in the same sentence, when all the grimy bastards do is lap at their balls around the clock...)
    We Sanderses are good at...compromise in place of repairs.  Cheaper, easier, more clever.  To wit : our kitchen light is out (like, "electrician out"), so we simply dragged a living room light in there.  It  stands next to our toaster, and Bob's our uncle.   Broken doorbell ?   Telephone us or stand in the street and scream - there's more than one way to gain entry...   Who needs professionals ?  We have our wits.
      Then, Sparky points out that "if we just get a brand new computer, I bet of all of this Leopard Nonsense comes with it."  And actual monkeys might fly out of my butt.
       So, to all of you homeowners, renters, boarders, citizens of the world ,  I ask you : have you ever experienced (or even heard of) the BLACK SAND problem ?  If so, please let me know your findings ASAP and possible remedies that don't involve a plumber or a naturalist.