Face Dive

  Kids' books have long tried to capitalize on presenting normal things so that they seem.... normal.
    For instance, the Taro Gomi collection : Everyone Poops, The Gas We Pass, etc.   The possibilities are endless, and can even extend beyond the realm of the bodily function.  There is a book called "Grossology" - every kid's favorite pick from the Scholastic Book Club.   How's about Everyone Sweats, Let's Talk About My Boogers, My Cystic Acne, or anything by the prolific 20th century author, I.P. Freely. 

   Well, how about Everyone Face Plants, We All Take A Header, Lying on The Sidewalk, Walk It Off, Pop A Red Bull.   So, yeah - I tripped and fell flat on Divisadero Street, mere steps from my destination, Starbucks.   I toppled over, tumbled over, keeled over, fell down/over, went head over heels, went headlong, collapsed, went ass over teakettle, took a spill, pitched forward, tripped, stumbled, slipped, came a cropper, ate concrete...you get it.  Nose to the ground.    

     As with most falls, it happened in super slo-mo.  I felt myself pitching forward, almost could hear a spooky and garbled voice saying "noooooo..." as all 4 of my limbs surely flailed in a slow blur.  Other people watched this agonizingly-timeless plotz.  As soon as I realized my eventual crashing to the ground, I wisely reached forward in order to take some woman down with me.  This would serve a dual purpose : she might actually break The Fall, and I would also not be the only one laying on the sidewalk.   A total win-win.   I was thrust into her (not) waiting arms, and dragged my hands down the whole of her body as I went.  She made some sort of awkward squealing noise, and BOOM.     
       We have a piper down !  The RayBans flew off the face, things I was carrying littered the path in front of me.  One lady came to my aid - or so I thought : she leaned down (no hand up for me, mind you) and said :  "This is the 2nd time I've seen someone fall
 today !"  Oh, right - I forgot that this was about you, bitch - help me the hell up off of the christing sidewalk, wouldja ?  Jesus wept !

   I had no choice (occasional fallers will testify) but to spring up like a 20 year old Olympian athlete, gamely gather my pathetic strewn accessories, and bravely (not) limp into the coffee house.  I got a few stares - mostly, they seemed disgusted by my ...shattering of their mid-day tableau.  Gets kinda messy when some old chick with an ample behind seems to nibble on the concrete - look away, it didn't really happen, folks.  Nothing to see here.  Move along.  I think a few people may have even thrown coins on me.  One good samaritan actually came out of Starbucks to check on my welfare - snaps for being human, dude. 

   So, it's on as I wobble into the 'Bucks.  I am in an extraordinary amount of pain, but I am biting the proverbial bullet in order to save what's left of my face.  I quickly dial Chief at work, and the whimpering begins : "Honey, I'm in Starbucks and I am about to cry.  I fell down and it really hurts."  He conducts a quick welfare check, and suggests I go to the hospital, since I'm in the 'nabe.  No dice, Chicago - I'm cool.  (Ed. note - 7 days after the event, I developed an actual 9 inch bruise one one leg.  The knees are still shot over a month later.  We don' need no steenkin' doctors - I just can't use my legs.)

  I then snufflingly order my items - bringing a drink down to Sparky at school - long day, my baby could use a little goodie.  As I approach her, limping and wincing - you can see the struggle on her face :  something between "oh God Mom, are you okay ?"  and "Jesus, Mom - what now ?"

What if God was one of us ?  Face down in the street like one of us.