Lord, is it I ?
Not only is that one of my favorite Matthew quotes from the Bible, but it is exactly how I feel when I have to enter the world of Local Community Theatre.
It is cyclical, it is gut-wrenching, and, in its own way, it is necessary. I think that "Local Community Theatre" (henceforth, 'LCT' ) is a vitally important thing in the world, as are many other things that fall under the category of "I don't want to do it, but I think somebody has to". Like protesting against the War du Jour, caring and being informed about things like apple moth spraying and scores of other things poisoning and killing is us soon. Wondering if/why vaccinations cause autism. Why does everyone have asthma, cancer, and IBS ? Who will study these things and get back to the rest of us ? I am not available for this.
Same for liking animals in general, helping to birth any mammal, being the cruise director on the Ship of Fools. Going to church regularly. Playing sports. Being wonderfully energetic and consistently outdoorsy, jogging at 7:30 in the morning... Administering colonoscopies, dealing with dead people, eating jook and/or drinking horchata... being a vegetarian, liking country music, being an ignorant slob, not being smart, liking Oprah, not having cable TV....
I could go on and on (and likely will, someday). There are certain things that pretty much have to be done, most of which have something to add to the whole, in order to balance things. I would rather be shot than do any number of things myself - but am generally glad for (or at least aware of) those who do..and must do, certain stuff.
To wit, and shame on me for loathing LCT so: I admit that there needs to be a way for people to act onstage and work and never be famous but love it and it's important to them and it's free, so, technically, anyone has access to live staged drama and, not unlike the opposable thumb, it's one step further away from savagery to have these kinds of things. I have no desire to care about everything, so I depend on my planet-mates to pick an area and focus on it. Be it free civic events or questioning large institutions or using pedal-powered electricity (Ed Begley, Jr. - you know who you are). Someone's gotta do it.
However, out of, oh, 20 free productions since early 2000's, we have "seen" 6 or 7 of the plays, and have just pulled our skin off each and every time. It's like crawling over hot broken glass. It is massive hysteria and insanity. I blame Chief - it is unlike me to behave quite this way. Unless really pushed...
The long painful road looks something like this :
1) Receive flyer and dates for the event and promise to try to see it
2) Freak out later, and slowly start a rumbling about free you-know-what.
3) Realize you are also...free that night (s), and increase both volume and frequency of community theater grumblings.
4) Start pounding fist sporadically, exclaiming "Community Theatre !!" (a la "Newman !" from Seinfeld)
5) By showtime, the whining and moaning and wild exclamations have cranked up, and desperation sets in. You start to sputter and talk out of your head. Things like "I don't even like any of my friends enough to do this !" Or "I'm afraid I'll start screaming and never stop." "If I vomit, we can go after the first act."
6) Act crazy and irrational in the car, in the parking lot, as we step into the theatre, as we are handed programs, as we advance to the nosebleed seats (option of actually lying (laying?) down up there... Plop down and immediately place head between knees and breathe deeply.
7) Know that you have a whole roll of Mentos, and plan to parcel them out as reward to self and encouragement to go on. Promise not to chew all of them Then you will scream and never stop (see step # 5)
8) Tough it out, sobbing and cursing during intermission, call the kids and tell them you are about to jump off a cliff. They invariably say "Gah - grow up - leave early ! " No can do. Too rude.
9) Show ends, tears of relief, then the inevitable simultaneous rant on the drive home : why is there a fucking inexplicable animal lurching about on stage during all of this shit, why not do a simple 'Our Town' or 'Odd Couple' or even 'Hair'. Just because it's free doesn't mean it has to suck so bad, if I needed deeper meaning and christing symbolism I guess I'd voluntarily seek it out, the whole audience sickened me, let's bitch-slap the director, and, of course "never again". We go on like old people, both yammering at the same time, nearly apoplectic.
10) We then call our friend, tell him how much we loved it, how great he was (he is rather good, btw) and to be sure and let us know what the next LCT production is.
Then, we lay odds on the animal pelt that will be used.
Hated it.
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