A Christmas Carol (aka Street Meat)

So,    We haven't had a working doorbell in years, and have not only adjusted to it, but almost prefer it.  You want in ?  Toss a wee pebble at the window or pick up the phone.  Or have a key.  It only gets dicey around Christmas, what with e-tail and all.   Also, let's face it, I really love the anonymity.       The Electrician offered to "throw in the doorbell" during his last light-giving visit.  Sure, go ahead.   Little did I know.  Bad idea.        Especially on days like today.  I have had more...odd interactions through my front gate in one day than I have had in my whole life.  So far.  (Wait - that has to be a lie.  I got a million of 'em.)       My first visitor : I looked out and saw a young man in a Giants hat.  I thought it might be our neighbor.  In fact, It was someone selling.....meat.  Mostly beef.  A door-to-door carnivore situation.  I thought it was a joke.  Seriously.       He's all earnest and friendly and then I have to stop him and say : "..dude - you are offering to sell me meat at my front door - don't you find that a little weird ?"  He's all, "..no, no - I do this for a living, we're like Omaha Steaks only we deliver, blah blah blah."  I keep repeating to him that door-to-door meat sales (never mind that this is something whose day has obviously come !) is just too bizarre a concept for us to not even comment on.  I then make it very clear to him that I am not buying meat at the door.   Is he high ?     But his partner is across the street chatting meat with the neighbors and my guy , the earnest Giants fan, has actually begun throwing packages of raw meat at my feet, all the while extolling their value and flavor.  Again : "Dude !  You're throwing meat at my feet !  Stop !  "  He asks permission to enter.  Not knowing why (then and still) I said : "Would you let a random traveling meat salesman past your gate ?   Me neither.  Seriously."  He shows me their price list.  I tell him the cheapest thing he has is shrimp and traveling shrimp sales is 10 times worse that traveling beef sales.  I liken the entire interaction to what I'm sure is the exact start of a slew of teen-aged horror flicks.  It's that weird to me.  Uncanny.  Meat.    The meat cost him $500, he'll give it to me for $199.   Then, I actually DO accuse him of being high - I said  $200, $2 million - it you don't have it, isn't not there.  Dude.   $200 worth of traveler's beef, my husband will, in fact, kill me before sunrise.   Fact.     We bat back and forth at each other for some reason, like bored and cranky siblings on a long car ride.  We discuss the Giants latest roster : nervous about Tejada, concede that Uribe is both a bitch/shoulda gotten a few mil more  At one point, I am hanging off of my gate, yelling for his partner to come over.   Plenty of neighbors are milling about.  I keep telling him to pack up his fucking meat (yep - I'm swearin' at the guy) - and I end up saying : "Look, now you're acting irritated with me - that makes me uncomfortable.  Unacceptable."  He's so apologetic and (again) earnest and looks like a nice person.   After a long, odd battle - he says " ...any package $40."  Shit.  I bat my eyes (through the gate, still) at a 8 pack of NY Steaks, curse him aloud - we cut a deal.   $30 and no discussion.  I insist he trust me and give me the meat first.  He complains, I stand firm.  He says all right, you seem cool.  I assure him that I am in no way "cool".    No dice, Chicago.         I run upstairs with the Meatbox, grab his damned blood - money.  And he then gives me his personal phone number.  Wrote it on the actual Meatbox.  Am I supposed to call him now ?  And ask how his girlfriend is and is he still upset that she doesn't treat him nicer.  When he told me this (again - why) - it took everything I had not to blurt out something about meat.   (Go ahead - try not to.)            Is it me ?  Why is this my day ?  Do people sense me through closed doors ?  Am I awake ?        2 hours later, ding dong !  Second visitor :  Friends of The Urban Goddamned Forest say that I am eligible to plant a tree and blah blah blah.  I say only if it's free, if Heather can take a blood-sister oath that the roots will never interfere with my plumbing, I'm not the owner, etc.  She tries to argue these (solid, I think) points.  I wonder if she works on commission, she wants me to plant this darn tree !   I tell her "I will not be choked out of my own house by tree roots !"  Only thing better would have been if I had then said : "Good day, madam !"        If I have a 3rd visitor today, is this actually me living through my own version of "A Christmas Carol ?"  Think about it.         In terms of the almost life-long weird people popping into my life.. especially lately.....why did I almost instantly trust Maurice.  Probably shouldn't have.  This afternoon's Meat-Pushing Elan (I know - right ?  Elan... ) looked and acted like someone I have known for years and would see a game with...he was not only soundly denied access but yelled at repeatedly about his meat.       Good question.     I wonder if Maurice ever purchased street meat.